On Control

I’ve got meltdown hangover.

Yes. Meltdown.

Last night, God dared to assume control over one of the most insignificant parts of my life, and I had a complete sob-fest.

And before you make excuses for me or try and rationalize my tantrum with, “Well, I’m sure it wasn’t that insignificant,” let me just explain.

I toiled for four hours over a mug for my husband’s grandparents. It was awesome. I had paraphrased Isaiah 46:4 (Mister’s choice) and, after painting over the practice pencil marks, I turned it in to be glazed and fired.

Oh, I was so excited. It was going to look so cool.

Plus, you know, I perched in an uncomfortable chair in a half-empty paint shop with my half-asleep granny for four hours working on it, so it better look so cool.

In anticipation, I brought home my creation last night, refusing to look at it until I arrived home.

I pulled out the blob of tissue paper, unwrapped it, and… oh no.

She told me number two pencils burn off.

She ruined everything!!

Cue the bitter sobs.

Oh, the injustice! Oh, the cruelty! What did an innocent mug ever do to deserve this??

I frantically Googled just about everything I could about fixing already glazed and fired mugs. Well, I don’t own a kiln, and I don’t have glaze, and I don’t have a week to do any of it, so I crumpled into a salty, snotty mess and bawled at my husband about the travesty.

He gave me looks of bewildered pity.

And you thought you could rationalize it.

God orchestrates every breath, every blink of an eye, every creature’s conception, every storm or wind in nature, every obstacle in our fickle human plans. He controls the will and the way of creation like an even greater Bobby Fischer on an even more complicated chess board. Every move, every sound, everything… God planned it before time began and is the one bringing it to pass.

I know this. Every believer knows this.

Yet, when it comes to relinquishing all my control, it’s harder to let go of the itty-bitty things. You know, the flickering things of every day life that are so seemingly insignificant to the big picture that God can’t possibly even want control over them.

It’s when the handmade gift you lovingly toiled over for hours ends up a complete disaster.

It’s when the deep and meaningful conversations with someone close to you about their spiritual life seem to have zero effect on them.

It’s when you think someone will enjoy doing something with you, and really, they don’t. And they tell you so.

It’s when the car doesn’t heat fast enough and you’re late for an appointment or interview or work.

It’s the little thing that we don’t often recognize as under God’s reign is actually under His reign. And He deemed it good that it fail.

And some people might not struggle with this. Some people can let this go.

I am envious of these people.

This morning, I scraped the crusty tear salt away from my eyes and cheeks. I rubbed the dull ache in my temples. I heaved a sigh and almost laughed at my reaction the night before. And a thought struck me, as I sat rubbing my eyeballs in my bed.

God wanted this to happen. He knew it would happen. Even this ridiculous moment in time was written before time began.

And I reacted like a child who bawls at the injustice of “no dessert tonight”.

Praise the Lord for His grace, that covers even the stupidest of sins.

Pray for me as I begin to realize the depth of God’s control in my life.


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