Testing, Testing

Everyone can preach about trusting the Lord. It’s super easy to talk about. The entire Bible is laced with the truths and promises of God, and the pleas to trust the Lord based on those promises.

And most people will say, “I do trust the Lord. I really do.”

And then an opportunity pops up. A chance to prove your faith! A chance to test your trust in the God of the universe!

And your soul wavers. Your heart skips a beat. Your face loses some of its color. Your chest clinches with stress, pumping your heart like a stress ball.

And despite your inward commands to pull yourself together, to trust the Lord, that He knows the outcome, you still feel that nibbling fear, eating away at your faith in Him.

I’ve never been much of a “test” person. You always hear students say that as an excuse for their bad grades on exams. But really, for some people, it’s a real thing. I knew the material, but my brain would shut down from stress. I’d second guess my (often correct) answers, then change them, then get the test back with a lower grade than I expected.

So when my test for trusting the Lord is a test on my APA style knowledge for a potential job, it’s like a horrible prank.

I’m no APA expert, grant you. But even if I was, I’d still have this sunken feeling. I’m going to fail. And then I’m going to live the rest of my days as a failure at life. I will never get another job because who wants a writer or editor who gets less than 100% on an APA style test?

And the grip of this irrational stress and terror seizes my chest and shakes it ferociously. I procrastinate, I take out my stress in anger on the poor soul who lives with me, and I write a blog post about my trust problem.

And I try to pray, but maybe I’m expecting the Lord to answer the way I want Him to. Maybe I expect my chest to relax the minute after I pray. Maybe I expect a genie to grant me three wishes, one of which will be getting this job.

But I can’t just place expectations on the Lord. He doesn’t live in a box or a lamp. He doesn’t live by certain rules. He doesn’t exist for me.

Instead, I exist for Him.

So if I completely humiliate myself in this APA style test, wouldn’t that be God’s will?

Wouldn’t that be me just doing my best, which was to fail at an APA test, and move on to another job choice?

Isn’t that all?

Yes, that’s it.

So why am I so worried?

Well, it’s human nature to want to control the situation. To want to know absolutely, without a doubt, exactly what the outcome of a certain action will be. It’s human nature to want to be God.

(Thank the Lord I’m not, right?)

So, I’m going to go edit a sample paper written in APA style. I’m going to do my best. I’m going to pray beforehand, and most likely the entire way throughout. I’m going to sip my water. I’m going to take a deep breath and watch the ridiculous chipmunk preparing his hole for winter for a minute before continuing.

And when it comes time to turn in the test, I’m going to squeeze my eyes shut and click “Upload”, because what’s the worst that could happen? I fail?

Pray for me during this test, and pray for my soul as it struggles to fully trust the Lord. The human plight.

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One thought on “Testing, Testing

  1. It’s not going to happen anyway — even if you get a 100% on the test — if it’s not in the Lord’s will. Do your best, don’t stress, and Godspeed. Besides, I know you’re an amazing writer and editor — haven’t I been sending my resume/CV/cover letter to you for the last week for your editorial input?

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