Thoughts

I am confused.

I don’t know what I want to do or when I should do it.

I have no real plans and no real rush to make any.

But I am restless.

And my restlessness makes me feel small and unimportant.

As if I have no potential.

As if I’ve thrown my potential away.

As if I’ve become nobody in ten seconds flat.

I’m not sure if that’s just the principles of the world talking to me, or if it’s true.

It’s not like I’m not doing anything.

But it sure feels like a whole lot of nothing.

I’m young. I’m childless. I should be seizing the moment and working to be successful and profitable. Immediately. Pronto. Snappish.

So I pray. I look at the balances of my life and home right now.

And I wait.

Is it normal? This feeling of deafness? Like you know God is there, intellectually, but because of His silence you feel like a penguin on a floating piece of ice in the middle of the Indian Ocean? By yourself. Not sure why you’re there or how you got there. Wondering if you should even be there.

And no matter how often or how desperately you squawk your little penguin prayers, the only answer is radio silence?

Or is there something, and you’re completely missing it, because you’re a penguin?

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I’m sorry, enough about penguins.

Here’s the deal. I want to have something to do. Other than be a wife. Other than be a home maker.

And part of me wonders if this feeling sprouts from the seeds planted by society that only loser women stay at home. Because I see the looks other women give me when they hear I’m not working. When they hear I currently stay at home without the excuse of children.

It’s not like I don’t want to be working. It’s just something has nailed my feet to the floor.

Because while I wait to understand God’s will, sins that I thought I had conquered are surfacing.

And I know that throwing myself into a job right now will hide them again, will keep me from having to see them, from having to deal with them.

So I ask the Lord, Am I supposed to deal with this first? Is this why I’m not working right now? 

And no answer.

I’m not silly. I’m not expecting to hear a voice or see letters in the clouds. But God answers in other ways.

And I can’t seem to find His answer.

I feel enclosed in a brick box, and the reception isn’t as strong as I would like it to be.

So I do what I know I can do. I confess the exposed sins. I struggle against the temptation to let them flare. I pray for God’s guidance in my life.

And I keep waiting.

 

 

P.S. I don’t like it. Pray for me.

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