Nitty Gritty

God is really testing the lessons I’m learning in Jerry Bridges’ study, Trusting God Even When Life Hurts.

I’ve been experiencing some arthritic pain. Since it only started up after my bout with meningitis, I knew it wasn’t simply osteoarthritis from running and dancing. After about two months of grinning and bearing it, I scheduled an appointment with my primary care doctor. She didn’t seem too interested, honestly, but after I repeated my concern, she scheduled blood tests.

I got a call from the doctor’s office right before they closed on Friday. Of course, I missed it, so I had to agonize all weekend.

They called again this morning. The call was concerning a form for my health insurance. I waited with baited breath for the nurse to say, “And about your test results…”

Instead, she started to wish me a good day and hang up.

“Oh, I actually have a question… about my blood test results?”

“Oh. Hm. Well I assume they’re back since she filled out the form…”

After a few more hems and haws, she found the results.

Everything came back normal. Rheumatoid arthritis: negative. She threw the word “lupus” in there, but I didn’t know what the context meant, so I’ll just breeze over that. If my condition worsens or doesn’t improve by the time my follow-up rolls around, she’ll re-evaluate.

So that’s it?

That’s why I went to the doctor’s?

To come back with less information?

I thanked the nurse and hung up. I stared bitterly at my Trusting God book for several minutes before calling my husband.

I know, I know, I know. God is in control. He has a plan. This tiny little incident in my life has a purpose.

So much easier said than done.

I’ve never had a problem trusting the Lord in the big things. I never stressed about finding a husband or finding the perfect job. I’ve never even really stressed about my health, even while I felt half-dead with meningitis or could barely get out of bed because merely bending my knee, even without weight, sent me into a quick sob of pain. It’s easy to spot the big red flags and say, “Oh, I need to trust God.”

So God is forcing me to trust Him in the nitty gritty, where the flags are not-so-red, not-so-big, and not-so-easy to spot.

I wanted resolution. I wanted an answer. I wanted to know what was wrong with me so I could fix it. I feel like I deserve at least something.

But nothing.

Just an indefinite wait.

I now need to learn to trust God in His silence.

This is sort of new for me.

I don’t like it.

But in a small corner of my being, I love it. God loves me so much, He’s putting me through an agonizing wait to make me more like Him.

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